I have never been one to have a large circle of friends, growing up I usually have one or two girls that I spent time with and that was it.  I am pretty shy, and social situations have at time paralyzed me, and at time the anxiety has been so great that I have avoided socializing altogether.   When we moved into this house almost 11 years ago I was welcomed into a wonderful group of ladies, we were all pretty much at the same place in life, new homes, newly married and having babies, we all had a lot in common and I felt welcomed.  It was really great for me, someone who has a hard time putting herself out, to have girls around me that were so willing to include me.  However, in the last few years I have noticed a change in the dynamic, and it became especially clear to me with the birth of my last baby.  Our lives have been changing.  Families have moved, friends have gone back to work, they have finished having their families and are moving on.  I feel as if I am being left behind.  I am still home, having babies, something I am so happy to do, but it is still different from my friends who are finding new hobbys and interests, while I am still raising small children.  I don’t fault them, I would be doing the same thing if my family were finished, I guess in part I feel a little jealous of their freedom and sad about my loneliness.  There are no lunches at the park with the kids anymore, my friends are off doing “big girl” stuff without little ones tagging along while I still have two littles (and another on the way) tagging along.  I use to be able to swap babysitting if I needed to go somewhere without the little kids, but I have no one to do that with anymore, my friends no longer have little ones at home.  I felt particularly alone after the birth of Lydia, everyone was so busy and so out of the baby thing that I felt as if I wasn’t noticed.  There was one evening in particular, where I was feeling really down about a few things, that all I could so was cry for a friend that had moved away who had always been particularly thoughtful and helpful after the births of my babies.

Now here is the thing that I am really struggling with right now.  I look around and I see plenty of ladies who are still having babies, who have little ones, who are out going and “doing” things.  I want to be involved, I want to make friends who have the same interests as me.  What holds me back?  I know they are all very nice people and I would be included without any problem, but…but… it scares the crap out of me to put myself out like that.  It is far easier to hide in my home and feel lonely.  I worry that I won’t fit in, I can’t really talk much about the latest fashion, movies or TV shows, because I am not really interested in all of that, and is anyone really  interested in chatting about homemade laundry soap and canning green beans?  Seriously, is there anyone out there that cares about the fact my tomatoes seeds sprouted when there is a new season of “Dancing With the Stars”on?

Anyway, just a little venting and self exploration I guess.