***warning, this post is a whole bunch of complaining about first world problems, please skip if this will annoy you and if you can’t say anything nice. ????
We moved to this place a little over two and a half years ago. I am not joking when I say it’s been the hardest two and a half years of our lives. It seems like we have been hit from every angle, the loss of our son two years ago with a difficult pregnancy and dangerous delivery close after that left me sick for awhile. This land is hard, and unrelenting, it’s dry, infertile, harsh, infested with destructive rodents, insects and weeds. The amount of work required to scratch anything out of this place is staggering, and we had an almost complete crop failure this year. Along with financial difficulties, (this place has cleaned us out with its needs, ever bought propane to heat a house?) marital issues, problems with children and extended family. Top it off with the house problems, the windows need replacing (they leak), the roof needs fixing (it’s leaking too) and we have had to either replace or fix every major appliance at least once (there is a repairman in my kitchen right now fixing my SECOND dishwasher in two years). Top it all off, because of a disagreement we’ve had with a member of our church, and our lack of….popularity….there is a group of people that don’t take too kindly to us, and whenever we think it’s blown over, something brings it back up. Gossip has a way of getting back to the one being gossiped about.
I am tired, my soul is worn and I don’t know what my next step should be. should we just give up? Buy a nice house is a nice suburb and live an easier lifestyle, where we fit? Do we buy something farther away, where we are surround by like-minded people who value the same things? There are a few problems with doing that. Our home needs work, expensive work in order to sell, we have integrity and couldn’t lie about the leaking windows and roof like we were lied to. We also have teenagers who are happy and involved in their lives here with good friends around them. Then there is the whole issue of my husband needing to be close to a city for work.
Knowing all this, knowing our only option is to stay here for several more years while our children grow, while we build equity and fix all the problems with this house, how do I find joy here? I’m weary. I’m weary of the fight, I’m weary of the gossip, I’m weary of living in a house that’s grungy and leaky because of years of previous neglect. I know I should be able to lay all my cares at the feet of my Savior, but I’m even finding that difficult, church is no longer a sanctuary, it’s something to be endured. And I hate that.
Sorry for the brain/heart dump.
<3
Aimee Johnson Kieffer- you amaze me! Don’t give up… I think what you’re doing for your family is wonderful. I can’t imagine the spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical weariness but it’ll all be worth it…
I didn’t get to know you very well but the little I did I really look up to you and always thought you were amazing and had a lot to offer. Plus we both love babies 😉
Oh yes, love those babies!
Just so you know, I love you. 🙂 I may not know you THAT well, but I love when I get a moment to chat at church, I think your children are wonderful. I don’t know about the church problems/gossip, but I do know church is often something to be endured instead of enjoyed for me too! Hang in there, you have your hands full but from what I can see you are a strong lady! Don’t worry what the hater say 🙂
Thanks Chelsey, I’ve enjoyed our chats too, and you’ve been so good to my little girls, I can’t help but love you! About the other stuff, you’ve reminded me that most people have no idea, thank you, sometimes I get caught up in all of it and it seems bigger than it really is. Thank you.
I have to say that we love having Thomas in cub scouts. He is always so helpful and kind. I really don’t know you all that well but you have always been sweet to me. I have felt the same way at times. I am sorry you guys have been going through the ringer. I will keep you and your family in my prayers 🙂
Thanks! You’ve been good to my boy, and I love listening to you sing in sacrament, beautiful!
I’m sorry you are struggling. I hope things ease up a bit for you and you find some peace!
Aimee don’t lose hope! We miss you and your family but I do continue to read updates and laugh and sometimes cry with you about your family! You are truley in my thoughts today! Praying for strength for you!!????
Hugs my friend.
We’ve known each a bit for quite a few years and have exchanged emails talking about frustrations, life, kids, etc etc. Your stronger than you think I know that through the words we have exchanged in the past. This to shall pass and at the end of it all you’ll say wow I learned so much and am so greatful. As far as church we all have something that eats at us on Sundays. My husband being branch president for 5 years soured me on everyone I keep to myself which is lonely, but the Lord is there and my son is on a mission because we persevered and that helps me see the situation differently. Though I still keep to myself it helps me from opening my mouth and getting myself in trouble. ;0)
Erika
Hugs, friend! I often have felt similarly and have been the brunt of unkind gossip. In a fairly recent difficult interaction with someone at church, I sat mulling over the experience and unkindness of another, and the Spirit gently reminded me that I had been diligently praying for more charity, so I was being given the opportunity to exercise having charity. Instantly my whole perspective changed. I have come to learn that while loving and Christ-like, doing good like bringing a meal to a friend, or comforting a loved one is not charity to its full extent. Charity in it’s fullness is Christ on the cross saying “forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.” Developing true charity means that we continue to love and feel compassion for those who hurt us. It’s really, really hard work, but I love that when I submit to the Lord and His perfect plan that it’s easier. I start to feel compassion for those who are hurtful, and receive an understanding of the wounds that they carry that they are not able to lay at the Savior’s feet. He truly is mighty to heal! Prayers for you that you will feel that healing and find comfort. You are so loved, and so good!
Such wise words. Thank you.
I can honestly say that the last several years have been our hardest, too – for some of the very same reasons! (Incredibly difficult and at times life threatening pregnancy, death of a child, crop failures, and difficult interactions with people). I think that we are truly being molded by the refiner’s fire into something infinitely greater than we could ever imagine. I know how consecrated you are, even though we have never met in person. It comes across in so many ways, from your dedication to your family, the gospel and the Lord. I know that we will look back on these painful, difficult experiences and say, “Father, you were right! That was exactly what I needed to become who I am supposed to be! Thank you for loving me enough to allow me to experience what I needed.” I love you, Aimee! You are really a very remarkable woman! Keep striving, keep having faith in the Father’s perfect plan. I watched this CES teachers devotional last night and feel impressed to share it here. Several years ago, after Eden’s death, I went through a very introspective period and was prompted to ask the very same questions that Elder Clark mentions here. The answers were personal and have had profound implications in our lives. I love the Lord and trust His plan as never before. Truly, as Elder Wirthlin taught, “Come What May and Love It.” https://youtu.be/RMUIs2qsud0
I love you so much, friend. ❤️
Aimee–I understand. I too, have felt the sting of rejection & the hurt that goes with it. I’m sorry for your pain. The good news is that you have a lot of people who love you & admire you. (I know–I’m one of them!) Don’t give up. Everything that happens to us is for our good–Heavenly Father promised. Love you friend!!!
❤️you! Hang in there. It will all be worth it.
Dear Aimee, you are an amazing woman with such sweet and ‘individual’ children as well as an amazing husband. I am so sorry to hear that your garden did not produce, as I know you depend on the products so much. Gardens can be very frustrating, for sure! Yours is laid out so nicely and you have worked so hard in it. It has not been a good year for mine as well–though I am being over run with tomatoes. I wish I could go down and help from time to time when you have frustrations–so you could have time to yourself. You are a beautiful, talented person, who, for a period of time will have so many challenges from family and life, but, believe me, you will be so happy as your children grow up to be your friends, you will have rewards beyond belief. And your little one that went to the other side before you go to know him will be waiting for you and you will have another reward.
I am so sorry for the problems that have presented themselves–whatever they are. I love you and admire you. You and your family will be in my prayers.
This makes me so sad! Especially the people at church thing. I don’t know exactly what it is, but I think I have an idea. Just know there are many people, the majority of people who love and admire you and your family! Me being one of them! The people aspect of the church is hard because we are all so imperfect!! Hang in there! I hope things get better for you soon!!
Thank you Stephanie, I’m realizing as the day has gone on that my own hurt has clouded my judgment of the situation and you are correct in your assessment that it certainly isn’t the majority. Thank you for helping me see that.
Aimee I loved the words your friend shared about true charity. Something I’ve learned about those who gossip and say hurtful things, true or not, is that what they are saying is not really about you. Its about them. Something is a little broken and hurting inside them that brings out the hurtful remarks and unkindness. When I discovered this it changed the way I viewed them. At times I actually felt worse for them than for myself. Understanding where someone is coming from doesn’t take your own hurt away but it does bring about a change of heart. The thing is, if people truely knew you and your family, and could see you the way Heavenly Father sees you they would love you and want to be more like you. Don’t forget that you are of infinite worth, with ideas and goals and desires that are not unlike our God himself. I hope you get through this rough spell and can continue finding joy in your journey, rough as it may be sometimes. You are an inspiration to me and so many others!
More words of wisdom, thank you friend. ❤️
I haven’t had the chance to really get to know you. What little I do I love! You are amazing and so is your family. I admire all that you do!
I haven’t had the chance to really get to know you. What little I do I love! You are amazing and so is your family. I admire all that you do!
Hugs
Hugs
There is a special place in my heart for those I help feed ???? ????
I think you and your family are amazing! I miss having you all as neighbors????
You have a wonderful family and the beauty you’ve created in that house and on the land is amazing. When I look around and only see problems and pain, I have to make a special effort to see the blessings. Love you Aimee.
Well, I am coming here from experience. almost exactlly the same but I lost a daughter at two. I will tell you some things I have learned:
1. While I glad I had the “country life” experience, God taught me that it was not really my mission to be a farmer. I really wanted to be, but it just isn’t the best plan. I realized this three months into our farm life when it dawned on me that I hadn’t sat down in three months. Between preserving food, fixing broken things, trying to fix up the outside, animals, and the kids there was literally no time for me and my husband.
2. Hobby farming is not feasible financially for a large family in this day and age. We lost so much money into the house. It was like a severed money artery. Total and complete stress. And my husband? He would never use this against me but I know he did it for me. He wanted to give me my dream. But it was never really his dream. He e joys being able to provide temporally for our family which was practically impossible trying to live in the country and telecommute and be fixing things all the time.
3. Our Ward was the exact situation. And gossip, especially in Utah, never dies. It just gets revived every so often to hurt all over again. In retrospect, I am so glad we got out of that toxic situation. It took all the joy out of Sabbath worship. It was stressful.
4. Our culture is strange. Instead of rewarding people when they have wisdom and realize a lifestyle is not working for their family, we take up the chant “don’t give up!!!l” you know, sometimes it’s not giving up, it’s learning and gaining wisdom and being humble and wise and moving on to something better. Heavenly Father has great plans for you and he doesn’t want you to be miserable.
5. Nothing is worth your marriage. Nothing. Not any dream. And I guarantee your kids will be just fine if you leave. Honestly. They will. They will be happier knowing that you aren’t exhausted and stressed. When you are in it, you don’t realize how really stressed you are.
6. I still dream of my hobby farm and my acres in the country, but I know from experience the huge burden that was lifted when I moved into a home with only an acre and no livestock and working appliances and a new roof. I cannot begin to tell you the absolute relief that I didn’t have a garden this year. And you k kW what? My neighbor gave me the overage from her garden. Tender mercies. Cause I miss the produce but not the responsibility this year.
7. The one thing that was most amazing about when I just humbled myself and “gave up” was the change in my husband. Even though, due to appraisal fraud and dishonesty from the person who sold us their home, and the fact that two buyers for our short sale fell through, we had to foreclose, he was so relieved. And I finally saw all the worry and suffering he had been going through during this experience. I learned that I could do it if I needed to (farm life) but that the Lord wanted me and my husband to spend more time on spiritual farming. He wanted us to cultivate our relationship without the stresses and responsibility of land and leaky windows. He wanted my kids to have time to come and chat with me at one am without it exhausting me to near death because I literally never got any sleep. He wanted me to have time to have a healthy balance and not have to give up personal time so I could have horses and chickens and peaches.
I know most people are probably aghast that I would give up living the dream and then foreclose, but we were lied to, there was no way I was going to stay there and pour more money into a money hole, and I didn’t want to have my kids spend their childhood with parents who were stressed. I didn’t want to do that. I could not have foreseen that I would be happy on an acre. we don’t have horses but our next door neighbor does. We help him take care of them. We don’t have goats but we have friends who do. We don’t have bees or anything else that I need to worry about. We don’t have stress and we have enough money again to not worry so much.
You left out one important thing: Your answer may not be Aimee’s. Obviously you mean well and your experience is absolutely valid in this situation, and I think it’s important for all aspects of different experiences be expressed, but there needs to be some room for Aimee and Mike to have a different answer than your family had. Because maybe they are supposed to keep trying. Maybe not– but maybe so. *shrug*
Obviously. I thought that went without saying. 🙂 of course in the end if they are meant to stick it out they will know. Basically I was just sharing my personal experience as a viewpoint, not telling her what to do. I would never be so presumptuous. If anyone understands that life is unique for each family it is me.
I am SO sorry that the last few years have been especially rough on you and your family Aimee. I can relate on the house woes and know what it’s like when a dream (or dreams) die or when things seem hopeless no matter what you do.
We have (and have had) serious problems with our house and there’s been many a time I felt like it was no longer a refuge–a place of peace nor would it ever be. And there’s been other things–kids moving, economic challenges, my mom passing away and things I just can’t talk about. All dreams lost or changed.
It’s hard when problems/losses keep coming with no break in between, isn’t it?
You’ve been through a lot Aimee–more than many. I will be praying for you and know that God has the right answer for you on what to do. Sometimes the answer comes quickly and the problem gets resolved; other times problems drag on and on. I know that, in my case, these problems have caused me to draw closer to Him. I have also learned to enjoy the simple, free, little blessings God brings into my life daily more than I once did.
One last thing (I have been way too long winded here I am afraid and I am super tired so I am not sure if any of this is making sense). I sometimes think of my pioneer forefathers and mothers when things are hard. They knew much loss and hardship as they left the comforts of their homes, and the familiar, to come to a new, untamed land out west. They weren’t super people–they were ordinary people like us who knew frustration, economic hardship, death, etc. just as we do. They persevered because of their strong faith and, I think, because of the strength they found from being family.
Blessings always,
Aimee
Thank you dear friend.