After my last post I’ve been doing some great introspection, trying to see things as they truly are, not as my emotions cloud them and today in church I had a great moment of clarity that if felt the need to document.
Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of the loss of my little babe. When we moved here I was full of optimism and lots of success, the problems with the land and house didn’t seem that great because I felt so blessed and that we could conquer anything! Then our baby Daniel was born too early, on a Saturday morning, quickly and with little warning on the floor of my bathroom. There were a few complications and I had to be rushed by ambulance to the hospital where I underwent emergency surgery to stop bleeding, all the while I was in and out of consciences because of the great blood loss. After the surgery there was a mix up and I didn’t get the blood transfusions I needed and ended up passing out and having a seizure in the bathroom at the hospital. It was scary, in an earth-shattering, life changing sort of way. While I was unconscious I saw and experienced things that made me very aware how close to death I really was.
That experince ushered in these trials of mine. Up to that point I was a very optimistic person, but my faith in the good things was completely shattered. I lost my trust. If this terrible thing could happen to me, seemingly out of the blue, what else could go wrong? And in my expectation of things going wrong I believe I created the problems. Not that we wouldn’t have had the difficulties, but that they became overwhelming, that it was more evidence of the bad things, the danger, lying just ahead. That, and I have come to believe, we attract what we expect. I expected failure, I got failure.
While I had believed I had healed from the loss of my son and the subsequent trauma around his birth, I realize that that isn’t the case, there is a part of me still struggling with the deeper things behind it. However there is great power in the realization and acknowledgment of these things and going forth I will expect great things! Not perfect things, stuff happens, but we will achieve our goals, we will raise this precious family of ours, we will be happy, we will have joy all through the power of Jesus Christ and his atonement my thought patterns will change, I will trust him again and, best of all I will see my son and raise him in that great day of our Lord.
I love this so much. And you. And Daniel. (((Hugs))) for tomorrow. ❤️????❤️
Thanks my friend! ????
Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s amazing how much grief affects our lives. It’s been 14 + years since we lost our babies and that piece of my heart is still missing. I am forever grateful for our one son but I don’t think we will ever completely heal when we lose apart of our heart and family, that is, until that great day when we will be reunited with them- only then I believe that our hearts will be complete again.
It is so hard going through that kind of loss. It has been many years since I lost my baby. It has affected me in so many ways for just as many years. Hugs being sent your way.
This made me cry. Honest to goodness truth here. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Thank you for sharing!
Aimee, I am glad that life is better. I have been concerned for you. I can sympathize with you–our son was killed in an accident 30 years ago. I still have tears, though it is tolerable, most of the time it is fine as I know I will see him again and he has been free of the many problems of life that were a concern to him. Someone told a friend who also lost a son, to “get over it” and it really hurt her. My thoughts to her were that she would (and should not) get over it, but will learn to live with the loss until that time that they are together again. Love you.
amazing ephiany, Aimee. You are a remarkable woman of great strength and vision!
Hi Aimee. I don’t know if you remember me. I am Becky Hooge’s sister. You cut my hair a couple of times before I moved to Michigan a few years ago.
I’m so sorry you’ve faced so many challenges. I just read your post, and then I read this article, and I thought I would share it with you.
https://www.lds.org/ensign/2015/06/the-path-to-palmyra?lang=eng
Anniversaries can be hard. I will be praying for you tomorrow.
Joanna
Of course I remember you! I have been so blessed by knowing all the Meyers girls and their mother. Thank you for sharing that article, I’ll read and ponder on it.
I think a part of the trauma is the trauma you experienced. I think as moms we tend to go through life just knowing that nothing can happen to us because we have to hold it all together. And when you suffer in that way–when there is pain physically that you just didn’t think was possible because you had faith….it is hard. Every person I have talked with who has had a near death experience has the same feelings I experienced. Two or three years of a kind of depression. Life is hard. Death is not. And the reality that something could happen anytime is scary. You are so spiritually beautiful and close to the divine that I feel in the next year you will come out of it with a depth that few possess. And with that depth the power to love so many more of Gods children in a way that few people can. I love you and I think I can say with confidence that all of your friends here will always remember Daniel. ❤️
Triple hugs.
Oh Aimee, I love you. This was so beautiful and painful and wonderful at the same time. What a great realization because it will lead to deeper healing. What a trying time because of the bittersweet memories of Daniel that accompany this time of year. I’m happy to see that you’re feeling optimistic again. You deserve happiness. ❤️
<3 hugs
Love you, and love that you shared your epiphany. Hugs!
Aimee,
Loss is so painful. I am so sorry. From those depths, it can help us so much to feel the pain our Savior felt for us.
You are so loved. Daniel is an Angel who watches over you.
Thank you for your honesty and perspective. I do believe on the “Law of Attraction” also, so I hope for you many more blessings on your row ahead. You are so loved! You have such a beautiful family, and little Angel watching over you.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Love you friend! Sending good vibes your way!